Jokes

[Shadow]

Here is one for the PoPo's on the site!

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir
The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.<O:p</O:p
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at
his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?" The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"<O:p</O:p
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine." The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."<O:p</O:p
The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."<O:p</O:p
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks,<O:p</O:p
"WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
I love this part....
"Only when he's been drinking."

[Camas]

Why I Fired My Secretary
Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday and I wasn't feeling too good that
morning. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say,
"Happy Birthday!" and probably have a present for me. As it turned out, she didn't even say good morning, let alone any happy birthday. I thought, well, that's wives for you, the children will remember... The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word.

So when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and
despondent...

As I walked into my office, my secretary Janet said, "Good morning,
Boss. Happy Birthday!" And I felt a little better that someone had remembered.

I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know,
it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me." I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. "Let's go!" We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; instead we went out to a private little place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment."

After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I
think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable." She went into the bedroom and, in about six
minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake --- followed by my
wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday.

And I just sat there --- on the couch --- naked.

[Camas]

Or then there's this one.....

Marriage Test

My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year
when we decided to get married. My parents helped
us in every way, and my friends encouraged me. My
girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing
bothering me. That one thing was her younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age,
wore tight miniskirts, and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down
when near me, and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be
deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day little sister calls and asked me to come over
to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She
whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and
desires for me that she could not overcome and did not really want to
overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once
before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total
shock and could not say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my
bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me."

I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her
go up the stairs. When she reached the top, she pulled down her panties and
threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned
and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of
the house and walked straight toward my car.

My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes
he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you
have passed our test. We could not ask for a better man for our daughter.
Welcome to the family!"

The moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.

[RAZOR]

I PRANK MY FRIEND AND I PLAYED ON A FELLOW COWORKER.
we knew this guy was leaving early to go to the docters and get a blood test done,so we waited untill he got back and gave him a call from the doctors office
doctor-(my friend) sir we got some bad news for you on the results of your blood test.
coworker- well it cant be that bad i never fell sick or anything.
doctor-i think you better sit down for this.(we on on a phone near by and hes in
plain view.he sits down).
coworker-ok go ahead and tell me.
doctor-well sir theres only one way to tell you this your test results came back
and well sir you have aids.
coworker-WHAT THE FUCK.
he drops the phone and goes frantic he runs to our boss's office and tells him he has to go home right now..as he comes out of his office my friend and i are standing there laughing our asses off,after we calm him down and tell him it was just us on the phone.he didnt talk to us for 2-weeks,we talk now and laugh about it.

[Shadow]

ROFL!
We did something similar to a co-worker. He was a heavy pot smoker and it was common knowledge
Our business unit was shutting down and we all had to re apply for our jobs in a different facility.
When you apply for a new job in our company, you must take the pee test.
He knew it was coming up, so he stopped smokin' for several weeks.
The tests came and gone and he passed. He was so stinkin' happy he went out back and smoked a big bowl to celebrate.
Well I saw this and went in and took a blank company memo off the bosses desk. I filled it out and said that the clinic had a big mix up in the tests becasue there were so many tests done at one time. I listed several employee names that had to retest that day, and put his in the mix. I sent it to him in the interdepartmental mail!
When he opened that thing up, and he just PALED out!
He came running to me of all people to find out what he should do. He was scared shitless!! A couple of us had him going all day. Our boss even got in on the action after a while (cool boss).
Just before it was time to go home, we let him off the hook. He was so relieved he went out back and smoked another bowl!
LMAO!!

[RAZOR]

:beatnik: :beatnik: :jamming: --THAT ONE ROCKED TO. my friend and i have done alot of stupid shit at work,i'm surprised we never got fired.